Oh yeah.

Well, Tommy…we will forgive you and better yet, we HAVE forgiven you. But guess what? We will not forget. That couch-jumping incident has been implanted into our minds like mold on year-old whole wheat bread. And, it sure as heck can not be scraped off. It’s there fo’ lyfe. But, really Tom, are you sorry?

Tom told Hello magazine, “I guess I did court her kind of aggressively. There were things I did at the time that I look back and think, ‘Well, okay, I could have handled a couple of moments better.’ But I was surprised by some of the things that were said about me at the time. It affected us all, and as a father and a husband you want to protect your family.”

See, Tommy can’t even spew out the word “couch”. It embarrasses him. It makes him want to lock himself in his palatial kitchen, whip up a winter’s worth of placenta stew and hibernate for the winter. Not a bad idea, I must say. Katie is programmed to smile when smiling is called to action. She is willing to jump into a black leotard and dance seductively on national television if necessary. And, Suri WILL be just like Katie. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if Suri is going to become a permanent growth on Katie’s hip that will morph into an aquatic being that saves the world with a miraculous placenta stew that forces everyone to believe in the wicked ways of Tom Cruise.

Tom continues, “Suri’s very much like her mother. She’s open and sunny, just like her mom is, but she’s also very determined. I have a happy family with children I adore and a wife I adore, and I get to make movies for a living. I don’t have too much to complain about, you know?”

Oh yeah. I know, Tom. I know. Most times I don’t want to know, but I do. We do. We ALL do. And, that is why you are where and WHO you are today…the couch-jumping freak!

Image Source: Wire Image

Can you guess who this pepaw is? Well, he’s really not a pepaw…not quite old enough to be a pepaw…but he underwent a serious makeover to transform his pretty boy looks to a geriatric Bengay-stock-investing pepaw. Or is it really a she? Hmmmm…

Click after the jump to see who this wrinkly masked actor is.
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Former Dawson’s Creek star Michelle Williams has got to be one of the classiest ladies in the entertainment business. I freakin’ love her. She doesn’t crave attention like all the other hoochies in the business and unfortunately because of her baby daddy and former lover Heath Ledger’s untimely death, she was forced into the spotlight. In her first public interview, the mention of Heath’s name brings on the waterworks.

Williams told Newsweek of her grief, “I guess it’s always changing. What else can I say? I just wake up each day in a slightly different place—grief is like a moving river, so that’s what I mean by ‘it’s always changing.”

“… At heart I’m an optimistic person, but I would say in some ways it just gets worse. It’s just that the more time passes, the more you miss someone. In some ways it gets worse. That’s what I would say.”

I can’t even imagine what this girl must be feeling, but you can certainly tell that Michelle wants what is best for little Matilda and is fiercely protective of her daughter’s privacy.

“I want her to have a routine,” she said. “I want the plainest, simplest, most ordinary, habituated routine possible. I just want her know what’s coming next,” she said.

Stay strong girl!

Johnny Depp has frequently transformed himself into characters with full blown makeup and costumes than any other actor I can think of.

From Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean) to Edward Scissorhands, Johnny has successfully brought charm and sexiness to these characters that no other actor would be able to portray any better. And YOU KNOW THIS! (I must add, Johnny gives pirates a good name. Yummers.)

Johnny’s latest challenge will be to play the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s version of Alice In Wonderland.

Tim Burton + Johnny Depp= FIAH. I cannot wait to see this novel come to life on the big screen! What about you?

Ok, so I used to have this big oogly googly-eyed crush on Ethan Hawke that started in about 1989…you know, the Dead Poet Society days. My heart used to drop upon seeing his twinkling eyes and his sparkling Crest-white-stripped toothy smile.

Nineteen years later, I’m looking at these photos of Ethan from the “What Doesn’t Kill You” press conference and reminiscing of the days when I was playing kissy face with THAT in MY dreams. Oh, hell no. I seriously threw up in my mouth.

It seems to me the days of a new wife and more kids has taken its toll on the ex-hottie actor. I’m hoping that the makeup crew of the “What Doesn’t Kill You” team performed some major miracles because my dear Ethan is pruning up like a raisin.

I mean, seriously, do I need to make a trip to my eye doctor to get re-examined or is Ethan suddenly deteriorating?

Click for more creepy pics of Ethan, after the jizzzz-up.
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According to a poll conducted by Entertainment Tonight and Parade Magazine, Big Willy Style Smith is OFFICIALLY America’s favorite star. Ughhhhh….excuse me while I throw up. It’s not that I don’t like Big Will…it’s just that I am sick of him winning every damn award out there. What’s next? The non-bathroom-stinker-upper award?

Anystyle, here are the money-bag hags who rounded out the top ten:

1. Will Smith

2. Tom Hanks

3. Reese Witherspoon

4. George Clooney

5. Meryl Streep

6. Brad Pitt

7. Julia Roberts

8. Johnny Depp

9. Jennifer Aniston

10. Patrick Dempsey

What the deuce? It seems Angelina got snubbed out of the top ten! Apparently ET and Parade are and have been Team Aniston.

On a happier note, it sure looks like I am not the only one who thinks Tom Cruise should join a county fair placenta stew cook off. Tommy got shafted!

Perfectly covering his top upper lip and trimmed ever so neatly, Brad Pitt debuted his guido-stache as he left a New York restaurant on Thursday night. Definitely Brad wouldn’t be growing a stache for S and G’s because that is just fugs…so it is safe to assume that when he debuts Inglorious Basterds we will be blessed with seeing the thin upper prickly biznass that is Brad’s guido-stache.

Guido boy Brad is currently on a promotional tour for his latest movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Is it just me or does Brad look like he’s aged considerably?

Image Source: Splash

Leo at the premiere of the “Body of Lies” movie he stars in. Say cheese!

“I’ll never reach that state of popularity again. And I’m not going to try.”

—Leonardo DiCaprio, on why he’s not searching for Jack Dawson fame

Image Source: Wire Image

Now that Suri is off the bottle and starting to walk on her own two feet, Scientologist Tom is thinking it’s time for some sweet Stepford sexy time with his wifey Katie Holmes.

Conner and Isabelle, Tom and Nicole’s adopted children, are supposedly longing for a baby brother. And, unless Nicole swims in the magical waters of Kannurra again, there will not be another rug rat implanted in Nicole’s vaginal canal. Plus at her old age, it isn’t exactly a brilliant idea to get preggers. The weight of the world then lies in the magic of Katie’s vagina.

A source told OK! magazine, “At 41, Nicole knows she’s not likely to have another baby. It’s obviously up to the much younger Katie to give Connor that baby brother. Katie and Tom very much want another baby [too]. There may be no better time than now for Katie to get pregnant again and absolutely nothing would make Tom happier.”

But, will Tommy’s sperm be able to swim in the right direction to impregnate Katie with a boy? Perhaps there is some sort of Scientology chant that can prep the mind and the body for the difficult task at hand?

I personally would love to see another dark-haired bowl-cutted Xenu child. Wouldn’t you?

Image Source: Wire Image

Katie Holmes and tiny Xenu Suri got in the festive mood yesterday as they hit up Central Park in New York City. Nothing wrong with getting orange and pumpkin-rific a day early!

While Kate and Suri hit up the swings, back at the ranch Tommy was probably slicing up some carrots and pumpkin guts for an all new crock pot recipe for a Spooktacular version of his placenta stew. What a festive man!

Image Source: Splash