Five grueling weeks of rehearsals for a Broadway show performance, playing with and keeping tabs on a two-year-old Xenu child Suri and playing Stepford wife to Scientologist guru Tom Cruise is finally taking its toll on Katie Holmes.

Katie looks as though she needs about 2828473 hours of sleep and a shot of vodka. Wait one hot minute, isn’t booze against Scientology rules and regulations? Pffft.

Perhaps some hearty placenta stew will bring some color back to Kate’s gaunt-like complexion? Tom, put on that apron and get cookin’!

Image Source: x17online

Ice cream, you scream…I look at Tom and still scream. It was a placenta-loving Saturday afternoon for Tom and Scientology-spawn Suri as the duo enjoyed some ice cream and some cuddles in Manhattan near the Holmes-Cruise apartment.

Meanwhile, Stepford Katie was performing a matinee of “All My Sons” on Broadway. Way to put Tommy on diaper duty!

Though she may not be the best actress in the world, Katie Holmes managed to have a successful opening night on Broadway with her performance of “All My Sons”. Katie’s presence brought a sold out crowd, gaggles of reporters and Scientology protestors.

“All My Sons” was the highest-grossing play on Broadway in its first full week of previews, taking in $684,002. So, it will be no surprise to see this play take in some BIG bucks while on Broadway.

Stepford Katie spoke to People after her performance saying that, “It felt like Christmas.”

As for her supportive husband Katie added: “I was so nervous, and I saw him out there, and he made me feel so much better,” she gushed. “Every time he’s there, I just feel like it’s going to be okay.” Translation: He’s programmed me to be nervous around other people, but relaxed around him. Cool, right? And just knowing we get to eat placenta stew in celebration of my performance makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Barf.

Image Source: AP

Daniel Radcliffe and his ding dong decided to bail on his grandmother’s funeral and instead opted to deliver his peeny performance of Equus on Broadway. Why? Because his grandmother would’ve wanted him NOT to miss a performance. Fair enough.

A spokeswoman for Radcliffe said: “It’s been a very difficult time but Dan chose to remain in New York after discussions with his family.

They decided that it was what his grandmother would have wanted. She was a strong supporter of Dan and his career and she wouldn’t have wanted him to miss a performance.”

Not to mention his male and female adorers would have been pissed without a glimpse of his ding dong flopping around on stage….errr, I mean, it would have been an acceptable excuse (his grandmother’s funeral), but Danny’s philosophy was to go on with the show.

Despite his grief, Daniel took some time after the show to greet fans, but it was a barrage of hysterical fans who fought to get his autograph that made Radcliffe lay the smack down.

According to a source, at one point the pushing and shoving got so extreme that Daniel threatened to leave immediately unless the crowd calmed down.

Needless to say, his wish was granted.

Image Source: Buzz Foto

Unbeweavable Britney has been in NYC promoting her new single “Womanizer”. But, don’t you doubt for a cheeto-rific minute that the Britster isn’t going to take some time to smell the roses while she’s there y’all. Despite hoards of people preventing Brit from doing a little shopping yesterday, Britney got smart and landed a hot police officer to escort her to the play “In The Heights” on Broadway last night. Sounds like fabulous fun!

But, not is all cheetos and fraps in Britneyland…

While the Britster focuses on her come back, her lawyers are working overtime to prevent scumbag Adnan Ghalib from selling that sex tape that supposedly exists. While Adnan claims it exists, Brit had once said it doesn’t exist. Hmmm.

In the case that it DOES exist, we learned from a source that said,

Britney is willing to part with as much of her own money as it takes to keep the tape off the market and the focus on her upcoming world tour.

In any case, we hope it doesn’t hit the Internet. I mean, really..who wants to see a pink-wigged-under-the-influence Britster eating Cheetos off Adnan’s ding dong?

Not I! That is, ya know…IF such a tape even exists.

Katie Holmes drew a huge crowd to her highly anticipated debut on Broadway of “All My Sons”. However, I must admit the most exciting moment of the evening was the landing of the alien spaceship that held our favorite placenta-stew chef Tom Cruise and his Stepford Wife Katie Holmes. Oh, what a spectacle!

What was even more of a sight was the crowd that showed up before the big stage debut…the Scientology protesters. As you can see from the photos below, they were present to show Tom how much they loved him. I am sure he felt the love.

Many audience members praised Katie’s performance and Tom gushed as well, telling the AP, “Did you see it? … It was extraordinary.” As was the smorgasbord of fresh placenta eaten following the performance. Yum. Rumor has it, the aliens shipped in a special batch JUST for this night.

Jennifer Lopez, mother of six month old twins, is training to participate in a triathlon. Oh yeah, you read that right…a TRIATHLON. Katie Holmes must have been haunting J.Lo’s dreams at night. Even though Katie JUST ran a marathon, J.Lo is not only going to run, but she is ready to out do Mrs. Cruise by running, biking, AND swimming. Pa-Pow! Take that Katie! She’s Jenny From The Freakin’ Block! Just watch, next she’ll be folding-and-rolling AND auditioning for Broadway!

Now whether she actually completes the triathlon remains to be seen. J. Lo and her booty were on Good Morning America this morning talking about her training regimen for the triathlon. J.Lo said that she will crawl across the finish line if she has to. Now, THAT is something I would pay to see.

There is something I am really dying to know though…do those hoops help with wind resistance?

Katie on Monday in NYC, sporting the fold-and-roll with gladiator sandals.

You know how some actors wear the same underwear every day of their performance as to not “jinx” their fine acting abilities? Sure their butts may reek and their underwear streaked, but golly gee their performance on stage ROCKS THE FREAKIN’ HOUSE!

Well, I’ve thought about this long and hard. The fold-and-roll IS Katie’s ritual. It’s gotta be. So, be prepared peeps, if this is true…the fold-and-roll is here to stay…at least until her Broadway debut. There is no other explanation for it, unless there’s some weird Scientology rule that says when you are apart from your significant other you MUST follow the following steps:

A) wear your husband or wife’s jeans
B) fold-and-roll the pant legs to show how close they really are to you, then
C)Sprinkle salt over your right shoulder for good measure.

I’m hoping this is the ritual. I will be a little more accepting of bringing the “fold-and-roll” back. What am I talking about?

She needs a different damn ritual. This fold-and-roll is HIDEOUS.

Just last night Katie showed her support for her hubby by attending the “Tropic Thunder” premiere with him in Westwood. Tom has only a cameo appearance, where he is unrecognizable in a bald cap and fat suit, but hey…he was IN the movie one way or another! And, Katie was there by his side, even if she had to fly out to the opposite coast to be there for him.

Earlier in the day, Katie spent some time at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood for a dance rehearsal with a private instructor. And, today it was back to NYC for rehearsal for her Broadway debut in September. Girlfriend is busier than a bee!

On a side note: Perhaps someone told Katie that the “fold and roll” isn’t cool. She found some jeans that fit her! Thank gawd! I was beginning to worry.

When you can’t sell albums after Idol, you sell yourself on Broadway!

Friday night, Taylor Hicks made his debut on Broadway in “Grease” playing the role of Teen Angel. Hicks will perform in the musical through Sept. 7.

Loving the hair Tay-Tay!

Image Source: Wire Image