Ahhh, what a year this has been for celebrity doucheness. I can’t even express to you how much I have enjoyed saying the various forms of the word douche this year. Call it what you will, there are and have been some pretty worthy celebrities of the douchebag title.
And I have to admit, it was easy to come up with the ten to make the list. What was the most difficult was throwing these douchebags in an order that I saw fit.
Now while I took into consideration the news headlines that surrounded their douchebaggery as well as other people’s thoughts and/or opinions on these peeps, please note, this is Danity’s list. Whether you like it or not, these are the peeps who graced my list. Check out Danity’s Top Ten Douchebags of 2009, the full list and the reasoning behind their douchebagness, after the jump.
10. Joe Jackson: We’ve heard rumors over the years of how Joe Jackson and his son Michael Jackson were not real chummy with one another. And yeah we get it, there are celebrities and their mamas and papas that do not get along. But, Joe Jackson’s real douchebag move this year was when after his millionaire and legendary pop star son passed away, he took that unfortunate and devastating tragedy and used it to his benefit. Big time douchery right there, peeps. Ewww. His big fat douchebag moment? The June 28 BET Awards when he appeared to use the platform to publicize his new record label.
9. Tom Cruise: Do I even need an explanation for this dude, seriously? As long as Scientol-Tom is in existence he will grace my Top 10 Douchebag lists because as you all know, Tommy and I are not real tight. He’s neglected my requests for that secret placenta stew recipe (hey, I even offered to pay a pretty penny for it) and while his abilities to turn human beings into obedient robots, I cannot and will not succumb to that douchery. Give me the recipe Tom and we’ll talk.
8. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag: I even hate mentioning these two douchebags on my website and for the most part I have refrained myself. Unless you are a high class douchebag will I ever give you your own post right here on the Lounge. You are lucky I gave you two a couple, ‘cuz I’ve got your douchebaggery figured out. The more douchey you can be, the better. I gotta give you props for being able to keep your name in dim lights even if those moments are nauseatingly annoying. A Playboy cover, a record label, the existence of The Hills, and lame ass photo ops have kept these two bitches in the headlines.
7. John Mayer: Sorry Johnny, I really hated doing this to you, but you left me no choice. After some lame ass interviews you gave acting all cocky and shiz, you made yourself look like a bigger douche than you really are. I know underneath that douche-like shell there is a soft, cuddly ole’ chinchilla that just needs a good bout of heavy petting. You’ve broken hearts this year, put those hearts on a leash, dragged them through the fields of poo poo platter-ville and then wrote a record claiming those chicks were the ones who broke your heart? C’mon Johnny M, you can’t play both roles here. That’s called being a douche. If in 2010 you grow out a guido-stache sculpted to perfection and bring back the fanny pack paired with socks and crocs, I promise you that you won’t be on 2010′s Douchebag List. Well, okay, I won’t promise you that, but try me!
6. Chris Brown: He rang in 2009 as a douchebag and will be ringing in 2010 as a douchebag. Lucky for Chris Brown! This whole year must have sucked for Brown as he was in and out of the court room, had to deal with his Rihanna beat down publicly and try to ease his way back into the music scene douche free. He tried to win back the hearts of those who used to love him so (including Rihanna), but unfortunately wearing a douche-like bow-tie on Larry King didn’t quite do it. Boo. Brown has lost many fans and just may not win them back after what happened between he and RiRi.
5. Perez Hilton: Oh Pretzel. Where to begin. Everyone knows Perez Hilton is a douche and promotes the biggest douche bags on his site. So really is there a need to really rant and rave about his douchery? Eh, let me save my breath for the next four. Take that, Pretzel! Now go jump in a hot pool of queso cheese dip!
4. Kanye West: Man, how I loved Kanye West and his music. Do you hear the past tense of the word “love” there? Yeah, so we all knew he was one cocky beotch, but did I really think he was a douche bag? I defended his douchery for years and now, unfortunately I have had to throw in the towel. After West stormed the stage at the MTV Music Awards just after the first award, for Best Female Video, was presented to Taylor Swift, he officially became a huge douchebag when he opened his mouth. Instead of some drunken shout out, he cut Swift off, grabbing the mic and protesting in support of Beyoncé. Here’s to Kanye. You’ve just won your spot on the Top Ten Douchebag list.
3. Tiger Woods: At first I thought only a few usual golf championships would be about the extent of the news we’d be hearing about Tiger Woods this year. Ha. Were we ever wrong! Remember that fart video? Yeah, it was a popular video that was watched by millions. But Tiger managed to squeeze in and squeeze out some hardcore douchery including a mistress by the name of Rachel Uchitel. And if that wasn’t enough, out came mistress number 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, and yeah there was even a 13. In fact, there were probably more, but damn I lost track after that. Woods can blame it on a one-eyed snake with ADD, but he is going to have a hard time trying to dig himself out of the douche hole.
2. Jon Gosselin: At first watching Jon and Kate Plus 8, you’d immediately think geez that Kate Gosselin is a hardcore beotch. Well, apparently she had a big fat reason to be. Her husband is a frickin’ douchebag! And as the year went on, we learned more and more about Mr. Gosselin and came to a conclusion that Kate isn’t so damn bad after all. Jon Gosselin = one of the biggest douchebags of 2009. Not only do those horribly placed hair plugs make him look like a douchebag, but partying it up in clubs with a bunch of twenty-somethings didn’t give a good impression of the Octodad. In fact, he was rumored to have had a few relationships during the course of the year while he was still married to Kate. And there were nasty-beer-belly-hanging-out photos to prove it. It’s a damn shame that Jon started wearing Ed Hardy on the regular, for he’s nearly ruined the reputation of the brand with his douchey-ness. Seriously though. Who do you think of when you hear Ed Hardy? It surely isn’t Mother Teresa. It’s Douchebag Gosselin! Now that he is divorced from Kate, his spotlight is slowly dimming, but still he attempts to keep his name in lights by various douchebag attempts. Mark my words, by the end of 2010, we’ll be saying, “Jon Gosselin, who?”
1. Michael Lohan: He’s the douchebag that douchebags and/or wanna-be douchebags look up to. He is king when it comes to getting press for all the wrong reasons. He tries to come off as this religious man with good intentions. And just when we may start to believe him, he goes and does something douchey. Michael Lohan is a tricky douche, but the KING of douche none-the-less. Do a google search for Michael Lohan douchebag and Here’s hoping that in 2010 he will simply just live his life out of the spotlight.