Dear Katie:
So you finally broke free from the crazy Scientology and TommyGirl. Well, congrats to you for finally putting that barley water down and coming to your senses, but the question of the day seems to be (and what Tommy asks his masseur every now and then)…are you in too deep?
Remember when Tom Cruise was flitting through Hollywood women to beard for him in the mid-2000s? Allegedly, he approached Scarlett Johansson who immediately turned him down because she loves peen way too much to beard. Then he tried to sign up Jessica Alba but she thought she could be a huge star on her own (ha!). And then there was you Katie. You took one short long look at your resume and responded like Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Jerry Maguire…
Show me the money!
Fast forward to seven years later…
You left a bonafide hit franchise in Batman to parade on red carpets with elves?! Do I need to re-name your daughter SeaOrg Suri? Is it time to rent Rosemary’s Baby and take notes, Katie?! Why do you think Nicole Kidman bolted? She was not trying to have any natural children with Scientology’s best heaux. Oh no, and f*ck up her body? I put it like this: When you are dealing with Tom Cruise and are a beard, your amount of devotion to him is directly proportional to your talent. Nicole has an Oscar. You’ll always have… Dawson’s Creek. Nicole adopted two children (that she doesn’t even see anymore, let the record show!), and you had to shove the baster in your hole to produce Scientology’s chosen one.
Shame!
You barely lasted half a decade and we all know that contract was for ten, so what did Tommy say/do to cause you to bolt out of the blue? Did you catch him watching Top Gun again with the deleted love scenes between him and Val Kilmer? Did John Travolta have one too many sleepovers? Who knows? What I do know is that after drinking from that large Big Gulp of F*ckery for so many years, it was high time you fled the scene of the crime and got sole custody. Next time, read the fine print, Katie!
The Tom Cruise is gay theme is annoyingly stupid and wrong. What’s funny is a lot of A-list male stars are bi-sexual secretly and the world ignores them for some reason.
And whatever else you say, Tom Cruise seems all right to me. He adopted two children before it was so common in Hollywood. And he’s transitioned from actor to auteur well.
Just stop it; it’s so 90s.
Katie is cool, too. Can’t you encourage her without being self-embarassing in your mentioning of Cruise?