I do not even know why I waste precious time trying to right a ship so rawng that even Jack would let go of this bitch, but, contrary to popular opinion, I do have a heart…however black and frozen it may be, so without further adieu, here is my open letter to Lindsay Lohan. Let’s hope she is conscious/coherent enough to read it.
Another week, another disaster, yet like a cockroach drunk on Roach Motel fumes, you still manage to live to see another day of disaster. When are you going to put two and two together to realize once and for all that the root of your problems closely resembles you? I’m talking about your stage mother, Dina, first of all. She does not have your best interests at heart. Remove her!
Second, you are your own worst enemy! How much talent you had as a child B.C. (before crack) and now you’re washed up at 25, yet you look 45. Aren’t you tired of seeing all these new Hollywood starlets pass you by year after year as you peddle your wares on Playboy? Aren’t you tired of seeing other redheads in Hollywood get all the good attention? Aren’t you pissed that Emma Stone basically took your look and career and ran away with it? Just think, it could have been you in The Amazing SpiderMan but nooooo. Instead, you’re on Lifetime trying your damndest to look like a true Hollywood legend in Liz Taylor.
Get your act together, Strawberry Snortcake! Otherwise, the next trip to the emergency room may be your last and although many probably wouldn’t mind your demise, I am still holding out hope.