I’m gonna tackle this big responsibility of live-blogging the Golden Globes. Join me as I engage in this high class affair. I will give you a minute by minute spectacular blogging experience that I hope will give you a clear picture of the Golden Globes from my television. Let’s do this. We gotta, ‘cuz here comes J.Lo. She’s about to throw the smack down. Remember, I am in CENTRAL time, my friends.

7:01pm J.Lo and her booty wiggle across the stage to open the big event…WITH what is this I see? NO wedding ring? Damn girlfriend this is NOT the night to forget that bling. Hmmm…but most importantly who will win the very first award of the night? J.Lo announces the big nominees for Best Supporting Actress.

7:05pm Without further ado, a tearful Kate Winslet is THE weener. While walking up to the stage, Winslet stops to grab a Kleenex to accept her award. Out comes the big long list of thank-yous…including her fellow nominees, her kiddies, her agents, her umbrella holder, her maid, her dog-poo poo bagger, etc.

7:07pm Oh, here comes the big bad grizzly bear…oh wait, it’s 58-hour-sex-master Sting…comes out to announce Best Original Song nominees and to name the winner. Who will it be? Hopefully not Miley. That dumb beotch has got a problem with sticking out her tongue and throwing the peace sign out at cameras. You know it’s gonna be Brucey for that wrestler flick.

I frickin’ told ya so, bitches. Bruce Springsteen, “The Wrestler” song. A big wet smooch to his wife and up to the stage he rolls to grab his gold statue. To create a song about a professional wrestler…wow, that’s mad talent. Bruce is an inspiration.

7:13pm Here comes Eva Longoria and Simon Baker to announce the next Best Supporting Actor in TV Series. Oh, and if you didn’t know…Rumer Willis gets some honor of being the stage bitch. I was wondering why she was there. Good for her!

7:15pm Tom Wilkinson wins? Yeah, that was a geriatric award. You know Neil Patrick Harris should have won. And fellow nominee Alec Baldwin is looking slightly annoyed as he chews on what looks to be a sunflower seed. Now that Tom Wilkinson won, does this mean he’ll retire? Perhaps. Or not.

7:20pm Eva and Simon presenting another award? How the hell do they rate? Must be special tonight. The winner is Laura Dern for “Recount” as Female Best Supporting Actor In A Series, Miniseries or Made-for-Television Movie. This is her 2nd ever Golden Globe. What a woman! Her black dress and floofy curls are kind of…well..interesting. Love those flower earrings though. How festive.

7:23pm Commercial. Gosh I’m thirsty.  Can someone bring me a diet coke?  I’m typing and can’t get up. Ok, fine. Apparently my cat hasn’t learned that trick yet. I’ll be right back.

7:27pm Oh, here comes Don Cheadle. The Coen Brothers aren’t a fan of Don and he is bitter.  And he sure lets us know.  WHEW! AND he thinks Brad Pitt is dumb. Yikes.  Donny introduces Best Motion Picture-Comedy or Musical nominee “Burn After Reading” produced by the Coen Brothers.

7:29pm Eva Mendes looks fab in a white gown and wowsers look at that sea-green necklace the size of Brazil!  Apparently her job for the evening was to look pretty and introduce this guy named Jorge.

7:30pm Jorge Gama-ra-ma-ma? Who are you? Brad Pitt, THIS is a REAL guido-stache. Nice and THICK!

7:31pm Zac Efronand Hayden Panettiere, probably the youngest attendees there are giving away the award for Gabriel Burn in Treatment. And he isn’t there. Boooooo.

7:32pm Captain Kirk and Spock come out…not the real ones, but the actors who play them in the upcoming Star Trek.   Best Actress-TV Series award is up next.  Anna Paquin for “True Blood”. WOW! This is huge for Anna. This means big possibilities for this beotch. She’s damn excited and definitely looks like she could look good as a barmaid. Apparently the GG award pickers thought so.

7:39pm Ricky Gervais…Ricky is pissed because he isn’t nominated and because well, he is surrounded by stars better with him. I think he’s had too many drinks, especially since he brought one up on stage with him. His eyes do look kind of glossed over. Who does he think he is? Some stand-up comedian? Bottoms up, my friend! His whole point of being there..to announce the 2nd nominee for Best Motion Picture, Comedy…”Happy Go Lucky.”

7:41pm OMG teeny boppers around the world have just peed their pants. The JoBros have graced the stage. Shoot, I think I just peed my pants too. Best Animated Feature is the award they are giving out. Congratulations to the sad little robot named WALL-E. The weener.

MORE LIVE-BLOGGING AFTER THE JUMP
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