I’m gonna tackle this big responsibility of live-blogging the Golden Globes. Join me as I engage in this high class affair. I will give you a minute by minute spectacular blogging experience that I hope will give you a clear picture of the Golden Globes from my television. Let’s do this. We gotta, ‘cuz here comes J.Lo. She’s about to throw the smack down. Remember, I am in CENTRAL time, my friends.
7:01pm J.Lo and her booty wiggle across the stage to open the big event…WITH what is this I see? NO wedding ring? Damn girlfriend this is NOT the night to forget that bling. Hmmm…but most importantly who will win the very first award of the night? J.Lo announces the big nominees for Best Supporting Actress.
7:05pm Without further ado, a tearful Kate Winslet is THE weener. While walking up to the stage, Winslet stops to grab a Kleenex to accept her award. Out comes the big long list of thank-yous…including her fellow nominees, her kiddies, her agents, her umbrella holder, her maid, her dog-poo poo bagger, etc.
7:07pm Oh, here comes the big bad grizzly bear…oh wait, it’s 58-hour-sex-master Sting…comes out to announce Best Original Song nominees and to name the winner. Who will it be? Hopefully not Miley. That dumb beotch has got a problem with sticking out her tongue and throwing the peace sign out at cameras. You know it’s gonna be Brucey for that wrestler flick.
I frickin’ told ya so, bitches. Bruce Springsteen, “The Wrestler” song. A big wet smooch to his wife and up to the stage he rolls to grab his gold statue. To create a song about a professional wrestler…wow, that’s mad talent. Bruce is an inspiration.
7:13pm Here comes Eva Longoria and Simon Baker to announce the next Best Supporting Actor in TV Series. Oh, and if you didn’t know…Rumer Willis gets some honor of being the stage bitch. I was wondering why she was there. Good for her!
7:15pm Tom Wilkinson wins? Yeah, that was a geriatric award. You know Neil Patrick Harris should have won. And fellow nominee Alec Baldwin is looking slightly annoyed as he chews on what looks to be a sunflower seed. Now that Tom Wilkinson won, does this mean he’ll retire? Perhaps. Or not.
7:20pm Eva and Simon presenting another award? How the hell do they rate? Must be special tonight. The winner is Laura Dern for “Recount” as Female Best Supporting Actor In A Series, Miniseries or Made-for-Television Movie. This is her 2nd ever Golden Globe. What a woman! Her black dress and floofy curls are kind of…well..interesting. Love those flower earrings though. How festive.
7:23pm Commercial. Gosh I’m thirsty. Can someone bring me a diet coke? I’m typing and can’t get up. Ok, fine. Apparently my cat hasn’t learned that trick yet. I’ll be right back.
7:27pm Oh, here comes Don Cheadle. The Coen Brothers aren’t a fan of Don and he is bitter. And he sure lets us know. WHEW! AND he thinks Brad Pitt is dumb. Yikes. Donny introduces Best Motion Picture-Comedy or Musical nominee “Burn After Reading” produced by the Coen Brothers.
7:29pm Eva Mendes looks fab in a white gown and wowsers look at that sea-green necklace the size of Brazil! Apparently her job for the evening was to look pretty and introduce this guy named Jorge.
7:30pm Jorge Gama-ra-ma-ma? Who are you? Brad Pitt, THIS is a REAL guido-stache. Nice and THICK!
7:31pm Zac Efronand Hayden Panettiere, probably the youngest attendees there are giving away the award for Gabriel Burn in Treatment. And he isn’t there. Boooooo.
7:32pm Captain Kirk and Spock come out…not the real ones, but the actors who play them in the upcoming Star Trek. Best Actress-TV Series award is up next. Anna Paquin for “True Blood”. WOW! This is huge for Anna. This means big possibilities for this beotch. She’s damn excited and definitely looks like she could look good as a barmaid. Apparently the GG award pickers thought so.
7:39pm Ricky Gervais…Ricky is pissed because he isn’t nominated and because well, he is surrounded by stars better with him. I think he’s had too many drinks, especially since he brought one up on stage with him. His eyes do look kind of glossed over. Who does he think he is? Some stand-up comedian? Bottoms up, my friend! His whole point of being there..to announce the 2nd nominee for Best Motion Picture, Comedy…”Happy Go Lucky.”
7:41pm OMG teeny boppers around the world have just peed their pants. The JoBros have graced the stage. Shoot, I think I just peed my pants too. Best Animated Feature is the award they are giving out. Congratulations to the sad little robot named WALL-E. The weener.
MORE LIVE-BLOGGING AFTER THE JUMP
7:44pm Johnny Depp…hottie of the freakin’ millenium is on the stage. I wish he would have worn the pirate suit. Best Actress In a Musical Or Comedy is Sally Hawkins in Happy-Go-Lucky. Take that, Meryl Streep. You can’t win everything.
7:46pm Sally Hawkins…sad sad sad lady in a black dress. She should have worn yellow. This is supposed to be a happy moment, chick! Perhaps she can celebrate this win by stopping for a burger and fries after the show. Just a thought.
7:49pm Commercial. After that long ass speech of Sally’s, I’m ready for a cocktail.
7:54pm Jake Gyllenhaal and his especially broad chest and rosy cheeks are on stage now. He’s talking about “Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, a Best Motion Picture-Drama nominee.
7:55pm Jessica Lange and frizzy-haired Drew Barrymore giggle their way on stage. What are they smokin? Sheesh. Best Miniseries Or Made For TV award is up next! Diddy thinks he is gonna win, giving the camera a winky winky. But will he?
7:58pm Winner is…John Adams. Tom Hanks is accepting the Golden Globe. I love Tom Hanks. He makes me happy, even though I don’t really understand his jokes. Whatevs.
7:59pm Demi Moore is so damn proud of her Rumer and reminds her not to slouch. So funny. Best Supporting Actor In A Motion Picture. C’mon Heathy. Goosebumps. Winner is Heath Ledger. RIP.
8:01pm Chris Nolan, the director of “The Dark Knight”, is accepting for Heath. Heath’s work is being showed on the screen. I’m crying. I’m seriously crying. There are no words. Chris Nolan could not have said it better…Heath was a huge talent to the industry and will never be forgotten. Tom Cruise is about to throw a bitch down.
8:02pm Commercial time.
8:04pm Tom Brokaw. Wow, he must have been on vacation. He is looking mighty fresh. Best Motion Picture-Drama nominee—Frost/Nixon
8:06pm Colin Farrell...man, love his spiky hair. However he’s having problems reading the teleprompter to announce the Best Foreign Language Film nominees. “Waltz With Bashir” is the big GG winner.
8:08pm The producer accepts the award and thanks many people, including his GORGEOUS wife.
8:09pm Maggie Gyllenhaal and Aaron Eckert look a fine pair on the stage. Best Actress In Miniseries or TV Movie….the winner is…Laura Linney in John Adams. Fashionably, she should have chose a different color dress. Blonde hair + blonde colored dress=not as hot as she could be.
8:13pm Commercial break.
8:17pm Gerard Butler to announce Best Motion Picture-Comedy or Musical, “In Bruges”.
8:18pm Seth Rogan. Wow, he is skinny and those glasses make him look incredibly smart. BTW, how did he lose all that weight? Subway diet? Best Screenplay award goes to “Slumdog Millionaire”.
8:21pm Amy Poehler and Patrick Dempsey announce nominees for Best Actor In TV Series Musical Or Comedy. Alec Baldwin looks constipated. Well, he can’t use the potty yet…he just won. HOLLA!
8:22pm Alec thanks Tina, Tina, and Tina Fey again. And, he even thanked his daughter Ireland.
8:24pm Commercial.
8:28pm Renee Zellweger looks like she just got a fresh injection and does she need glasses? Girlfriend is having troubles keeping her eyes open. Best Motion Picture nominee–The Reader
8:29pm Megan Fox and Terrence Howard…Paul Giamatti for Motion Picture, Miniseries or Made For TV Movie “John Adams”
8:33pm Glenn Close and Laurence Fishburne announce nominees for Best TV Series for Comedy or Musical–30 Rock.
8:36pm Tiny Fey rocks this award. However, Tracy Morgan is the face of 30 Rock and is the official spokesperson. Thank you Tracy for spicing this show up. HOLLA!
8:37pm Commercial. I need to go grab some Triscuits. And, perhaps some pepperjack cheese. Yummers. Nope, didn’t have Triscuits, but I do have some Town House crackers. They shall do.
8:42pm Pierce Brosnan introduces his own movie “Mamma Mia” for Best Motion Picture–Comedy or Musical nominee.
8:43pm Here comes Diddy and Kate Beckinsale announce nominees for Best Original Score, Motion Picture. And, Slumdog Millionaire won too. Again. Angelina looks annoyed as she scoffs at the announcement. Brad wasn’t directly nominated, girl. Chill!
8:46pm David Duchovny helps out with giving out the award for the Best Actress In TV Comedy…and Tina Fey just kick those girls’ booties. Can you say, on FIAHHHH????
8:49pm Tina Fey addresses some of the peeps that don’t like her. SUCK IT!
8:50pm Commercial break once again. Cracker time!
8:55pm Martin Scorcese is about to give the big lifetime achievement award to Steven Spielberg. Basically, Steven Spielberg is cinema.
9:01pm Big fat standing ovation for the god that is Steven Spielberg.
9:08pm Commercialsssss…
9:12pm Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman are about to give the award away for the Best Motion Picture Director. I wanna see Angelina’s face, not Ron Howard’s. Danny Boyle won and is racing up to the stage like Carl Lewis. “Slumdog Millionaire” is on a freakin’ roll tonight.
9:16pm Sigourney Weaver introduces the nominee for Best Motion Picture, “Revolutionary Road”.
9:18pm Sandra Bullock tries to be funny by saying that all men want to paint the bodies of Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson. Seriously though. THAT can’t be true, can it? Anywhos, Colin Farrell wins for his role in “In Bruges”. Best Actor In A Motion Picture–Musical Or Comedy He seemed sober AND he left the cuss words outta his thank you speech. I think, he was perhaps…humbled? Good man!
9:23pm Commercials!
9:26pm Salma Hayek is introducing Vicky Cristina Barcelona, the nominee for Best Motion Picture-Comedy or Music.
9:28pm Sacha Baron Cohen takes the stage and shamelessly disses Guy Richie. The crowd gasps, but heh…is WAS okay to laugh. The award Motion Picture Musical Or Comedy goes to Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
9:30pm Commercials. And the big awards are coming now! Woot, woot!
9:36pm Frieda Pinto announces the Best Motion Picture-Drama nominee “Slumdog Millionaire”.
9:37pm Cameron Diaz and Mark Wahlberg join the stage together to give the award for Best Actress For Motion Picture-Drama. The big prize goes to Kate Winslet for “Revolutionary Road”. Girlfriend needs a paper bag so that she can breathe. WOW! But, man am I so happy for her! Does she love her husband? She thanks Leo and admits she loves him and has loved him for years. OH, and she does thank her husband, Sam Mendes (the director of “Revolutionary Road”). Priceless: The Look Angelina Gave after Kate could not remember who the “other actress” was who was nominated…
9:43pm Blake Lively and Rainn Wilson are next up to present. Let’s hear it for the TV Actors…YAYA. The Best Television Series-Drama award goes to Mad Men. That was almost painful as Blake and Rainn had a hard time reading the teleprompter and/or following directions.
9:46pm Commercials!
9:50pm Susan Sarandon announces for Best Actor Best Motion Picture-Drama. Mickey Rourke… is the winner. SURPRISE!
9:51pm Up to the stage goes shaggy-haired Mickey Rourke. The most heartwarming part of Mickey’s speech was the fact that he thanked his dogs, living and dead. Yes, as in K-9′s. When he didn’t have anything, he still had his dogs. Isn’t that sweet? What a man. Good to see him back again!
9:59pm Tom Cruise is here. On stage. Yep, he’s giving award for Best Motion Picture Drama and “Slumdog Millionaire” can put another shrimp on tha barbie. They.won.again.
And, what a way to end the night…with a farewell wave from Scientol-Tom.
*Well peeps, it has been fun! I loved sharing my evening with y’all. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. There is no doubt that Angelina was PMS’ing…that “Slumdog Millionaire” is the movie to see, if you haven’t…Anne Hathaway is going home crying because she really DIDN’T win the award she supposedly won yesterday…AND Mickey Rourke is a good actor and he’s back.
Those are the highlights of the night and with that…I bid you, g’night.
Image Source: Wire Image
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